By Daniel Holzhauer
As the clock ticks toward the apocalypse, once again, the doomsday preppers are loading their guns and locking their bunkers. Although the Mayans could not foresee their own collapse in the 9th century, it seems likely that they have predicted the end of the world correctly. And like a Japanese schoolboy on New Year’s Eve, I’d rather sit in front of the TV and watch MMA than join the world in making a fool of itself.
So with just one more chance for the best marital artists in the world to prove their greatness, they have descended upon McNichols Arena, the site of UFC 1, for one final night of battle. As the world’s dignitaries begin to file into the arena, which has been relocated deep into the heart of the Rocky Mountains, Joe Rogan welcomes the crowd, since his alien invasion bunker was conveniently located nearby.
Ronald ‘Jacare’ Souza v Damian Maia
The night starts off with two of the most accomplished grapplers in MMA, as Ronaldo ‘Jacare’ Souza takes on Demian Maia. Since BJJ is not a big seller, and neither guy owns a championship belt, they get stuck on the under card while Bill Clinton is still pre-gaming in the VIP lounge.
Both men hold victories over the other in jiu-jitsu competition and neither man has become an accomplished striker in the meantime. Since Massive Mayan Apocalypse rules allow for no decisions, Jacare and Maia take to the mat and go for broke. Souza is able to wear down Maia with pressure and short elbows. Jacare eventually secures an arm triangle in the final chapter of an epic rivalry.
And since paper money has lost all monetary value, Jacare takes the lead for the $10 million Submission of the Night Bonus promised by Dana White.
Hector ‘Lightning’ Lombard & Vitor ‘The Phenom’ Belfort v Chael Sonnen
The next fight guarantees to bring some heat as dangerous striker Hector ‘Lightning’ Lombard takes on UFC legend Vitor ‘The Phenom’ Belfort. Unfortunately, Chael Sonnen is in the ring with a microphone and he has challenged both fighters to a handicapped match for his UFC title. Things take an ugly turn when Sonnen, the caricature of American conservatism, mocks Lombard’s homeland of Cuba and his adopted homeland of Australia by calling them both ‘Islands full of criminals.”
Lombard and Belfort agree to the match and attack the smiling Sonnen before he can hop out of the octagon. Sonnen is left badly beaten, but he never dropped the mic. Dan Henderson, who was somehow distracted during the fight, helps Sonnen out of the cage. Nobody is surprised when Cecil Peoples scores the fight for Sonnen.
“Smooth” Benson Henderson v Gilbert “El Nino” Melendez
With some of the stylistic matchups out of the way, it’s time to bring on the gold. There was going to be a flyweight title fight, but the complaints on twitter were getting in the way of Dana White’s ability to keep up with celebrity death gossip.
Benson Henderson is just two weeks out from his last title defense, but he beat Nate Diaz so convincingly that he’s agreed to take on Gilbert ‘El Nino’ Melendez, as long as Benson is allowed to keep his toothpick.
The bigger Henderson is able to muscle Melendez around and win on the judge’s cards but there are no decisions during the apocalypse. Melendez is a game fighter and doesn’t go quietly. But neither fighter is able to finish. It looks like the Diaz brothers are ready to storm the cage, but Rogan calms them down with some medicinal marijuana. Eventually the smell distracts Melendez and Henderson takes his back to finish the fight.
Clinton and President Obama join the ‘209 crew’ and they quickly forget the defeat.
Frankie “The Answer” Edgar v Jose Aldo
As masses of people begin to pound on the large entrance to the doomsday bunker, the show presses on. In what may be the most exciting fight of the night, and one we will actually get to see, Jose Aldo steps up his recovery to take on former champion Frankie ‘The Answer’ Edgar. It will be Edgar’s first fight at 145 Lbs., the division where he truly belongs, but in an obviously foreshadowed twist of fate worthy of a two-bit romantic-comedy, Aldo shows up to the fight at 160 Lbs. Aldo reasons that he can diet when he’s dead.
Edgar is quick and in great shape, but Aldo is awfully big and powerful. Edgar trades quick jabs for hooks and is bloodied up early. He nearly goes unconscious but Edgar gets back up and begins to turn the tide as the fight drags on. After 5 rounds, there is no end in sight when Edgar’s wife’s best friend J-Wow is seen on the big screen being sacrificed to the gods. As Edgar, who originally bashed the Jersey Shore, fist-pumps in solidarity, he eats a knee from Aldo that crumples him. The fight is over and the human sacrifice proves unsuccessful.
Georges “Rush” St.Pierre v Johny “Bigg Rigg” Hendricks
It’s time for the welterweights and there is no doubt that Georges-St. Pierre makes the card, but as in real life there are a line of challengers. Nick Diaz is too busy having a deep philosophical conversation with Joe Rogan and a cardboard cutout of Dikembe Mutombo, Anderson Silva is being forced to fight someone his own size and Carlos Condit is still healing from his last fight with GSP.
Johny Hendricks is given his rightful shot at the champion and the 2-time NCAA National Champion wrestler is quickly taken down by GSP. They start the second round on the feet, Hendricks unleashes his powerful left hand and GSP takes him down again. The fight continues this way for 60-minutes until the crowd gets restless.
After the 12th round, GSP and Hendricks are moved to a second octagon where they continue to fight while the rest of the card moves on. The apocalypse waits for nobody.
Alistair Overeem v Junior Dos Santos
The heavyweights are up next. The crowd is finally full and Bruce Buffer, ignoring the existence of previous fights, welcomes everyone to the show. There is a quiet rumble that spreads throughout the building and agitates the crowd. It gets louder and louder until Alistair Overeem bounds out of the locker room. Overeem has once again undergone metamorphosis and Ubereem has returned. Junior dos Santos complains about the lack of drug testing, but his pleas fall on deaf ears.
Dos Santos uses his technical striking and footwork to attack from the outside. Ubereem snarls in return and spams left and right hooks. Eventually, Ubereem grabs a hold of dos Santos’s right arm and tears it off. As the UFC champion laid in an ever-growing puddle of blood, Ubereem holds the appendage over his head and screams in victory. He runs through the cage and continues his rampage in the crowd. Animal control units are sent in to tranquilize Ubereem and allow the card to continue.
Fedor Emelianenko v Randy “The Natural” Couture
It’s time for the co-main event and the heavies continue to role. With no Zuffa contracts to hold them back, Fedor Emelianenko and Randy Couture finally square off. With each fighter carrying their respective flag into the cage, the crowd is split into two camps. Vladimir Putin leads the Russians in a red gi and judo black belt. Obama leads the Americans by flying an unmanned drone above the crowd, towing a ‘Crazy Russians’ banner.
The two aging legends put the distractions out of their mind and participate in an epic brawl. Couture pushes Emelianenko against the cage and works short strikes in the clinch. When Fedor creates space, he comes with a big right hand that wobbles Captain America. Couture fights valiantly but ‘The Last Emperor’ is too much. As Fedor celebrates his victory with a small nod of acceptance, the bunkers alcohol reserves are put to the test.
Anderson “The Spider” Silva v Jon “Bones” Jones
Now, it’s time for the main event of the Evening! It’s the fight we’ve all been calling for, even though Dana White has done a good job at making fans think they want a different superfight. UFC champion Anderson ‘The Spider’ Silva will take on fellow UFC champion Jon ‘Bones’ Jones.
The fight starts slow as Silva dances around the cage and Jones looks less than amused. When Jones loses patience and charges in, he’s caught with a counter right and an amused smirk from Silva. Jones eats another right but he’s able to get a takedown. He throws devastating elbows, but Silva dodges them effortlessly. When they start the second round, Jones misses a spinning-back-elbow and eats a kick to the face. Jones is down and out. Silva pounces and Dan Miragliotta stops the fight, about 10 punches too late.
Kazushi Sakuraba v Rickson Gracie
Silva celebrates in the octagon while the crowd begins to file out of the arena and head to their sardine-can sized dormitories, but there is one more surprise. Since Jones refused to play second fiddle to anyone, the final match was kept a secret. Japanese legend Kazushi Sakuraba enters the cage to a huge round of applause. He stands in the center and the crowd waits for his opponent with bated breath. There is an audible gasp when 54-year-old Rickson Gracie comes out.
After years of speculation, and more than a decade past their prime, the ‘Gracie Hunter’ will meet the Gracie Master. Rickson takes a slow walk to the cage as he bathes in the adulation. When he bell finally rings, the crowd becomes completely silent. As the two men lock up, Sakuraba reaches for a single-leg takedown and there is a loud groan from the Earth.
Rickson backs up against the cage and the mountain begins to crumble around them. The stands are swallowed up and just the Octagon remains when the legends hit the mat. Rickson looks for an armbar and Sakuraba stacks him. Sakuraba grabs a leg and falls back for a heel hook. Gracie and Sakuraba are in the 50/50 position when the earth beneath the cage begins to give way. The two legends fight for position as they tumble into the abyss.